Monday, August 10, 2009

His/Her's Conflict Lists

The man's guide to what a woman really wants when she says...
(Not written by me)(Stolen from some chick's blog)

"We need" = "I want"
"It's your decision " = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."
"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."
"We need to talk" = "I need to complain"
"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
"You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."
"I need wedding shoes" = "the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."
"I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going to like."
"I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V."
"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."
"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."
"Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead."
"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to cook, so you'd better get used to it."
"I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important."

Why we secretly hate Men...
(Stolen from some chick’s blog. The same one)

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
2. Your orgasms are real. Always
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. Chocolate is just another snack.
7. You can be president.
8. You can wear a white shirt to a water theme park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
12. You don't give a rat's ass if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
13. The world is your urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
15. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
16. Same work... more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
20. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
22. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
23. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
24. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
25. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
And finally . . . . . .
27. One mood, all the time.

The Old Fart’s List ( A partial)
(NOT stolen. Written by me (pateinduced).)

1.“'We' secretly hate men" because those are self-imposed rules. (See above list.)
2. Her list of complaints is a mile long.
3. 90% of the list is her problems. Nothing I do will fix them.
4. Fix one thing and she’ll change her mind. Fix two and I’ll be changing the first before the second is done.
5. Do one chore, and she thinks you’re hers the rest of the weekend.
6. Why is “dinner out” the time to rattle off a year’s worth of projects.
7. It’s my office; not her storage room.
8. The guest room is MY bedroom. I can now claim it.
9. I’ve survived PMS (barely). Why is menopause my fault, and a permanent phase?
10. It’s a marriage of convenience, now. Her’s.
11. It’s her dog—she brought the damn thing home. Why do I clean up all the barf, shit, pee, feed it, and have to take it to the groomer Saturday morning?
12. She can scream insults at me across a store. Why am I upsetting customers if I grumble under my breath?
13. Quality time together is spending 4 hours in Kmart searching every shelf for an item she hid two days ago, and has forgotten what it was.
14. She’s had 35 years to learn that FDS feminine spray smells like that grad student who must have saved tampons, in place, month to month. (Proof removed. Too gross for even me.) I don't care if Grandma used the shit.
15. I go to the store every month and look through an entire aisle of feminine pads for ultra-super-absorbent-whooper-doopers, so she won’t get pregnant, for stocking ahead. (A superstition) Like she’s not going to need them for another 15 years instead of 15 and 9 months? Don’t worry. There won’t be 21 more kids.
16. Who ever called her thingy a prune was being too nice.
17. Why do I have to jump to her beck and call?
18. I’d rather swear at other drivers, than her. But it doesn’t matter.
19. She watches a home decorating show and is an expert.
20. She’s had four dining tables. Buy cardboard the next time; or recycle the nice one saved for the 28-year-old single son, hiding in the pool room, downstairs.
21. According to her, I never do anything for her. Okay, I won’t.
22. If she wants dollar store junk for decorating, I won’t spend a fortune for a house.
23. I want a blanket, not a bed spread that can be used for a sleeping bag in Alaska during the winter. (Remember, I have my own bedroom.)
24. Her haircut would pay for 4 of mine. But she uses two mirrors and dog scissors to fix hers when she gets home.
25. I will never ask, nor expect, a barber to trim my nose hairs. She thinks I should go back to have it done.
26. A secret no hair stylist knows: washing my neck will not get her a bigger tip. There is a rhythm of scissors and comb that is pure bliss for a man. Only barbers know how to do that.
27. Crown Victoria is the required car for over-69-year-old couples. They drive themselves. Or, appear to.
28. Why does an old fart drive so slowly? Malicious obedience to her waking up every 15 minutes and yelling “slow down!”
29. He drives slowly because she's the one who multi-tasks. At least he maintains a steady speed.
30. Every wedding anniversary is an achievement. Rather than jewelry she’ll lose, she should reward him for surviving with shop tools.
31. …. And, at number 31, a nice break from further depression … If no one will claim that fart, it has to belong to one of the ladies and therefore, is obnoxious.

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